Why do I do what I do?

In my last blog—a week ago now—I mentioned Nina Planck. Well, I ran right out to Borders and bought their last copy. What a great book. It's not the typical book about food with recipes and resources (although there are some resources). It really provides the science behind the idea. I love it. It really helps with some of those questions I have about why certain foods are better. It also backs up what Tracie has been telling me.

I also had the opportunity to learn why I sometimes choose to eat foods that aren't part of my plan. Thursday night I heard Dolores Kokinos of The Empowerment Cafe speak about the Empowerment Principles. The principles are guidelines that help you understand why you do what you do and how your thinking affects those behaviors. Instead of saying 'I have no willpower' now, I now know that I fail to put myself first in almost every situation.

Basically, Ms. Kokinos said that to be fully happy and empowered in life, you need to feel well-grounded in terms of Security, Belongingness, Respect, Intention and Acceptance in all areas of your life (she breaks them into Relationships, Spirituality, Career, Health and Play). I realized that in my Relationships and Health areas, I always put other people first, feeling that I don't respect myself as much as I should. It's been a pattern in my life to feel that people won't respect me unless I go overboard helping them out.

I also have some shakiness in the Security aspect of my life (that means that when Security is good, I feel good, but when it's not good, I feel bad—whereas if someone doesn't appear to be Accepting me for who I am, I'm still feeling good because I am strong in that area. I've never had to fit in with the crowd.)

Wait, now that I think about it, my Belongingness is strong because I don't have to fit into a crowd. Perhaps my Acceptance is shaky as well because I feel that people won't Accept me if I'm not thin and that worries me, so I do too much. Hmmm. Now I get it. I have no problem speaking up for myself and I almost always garner Respect for my skills (almost always). So perhaps when it comes to Career, I'm more worried about Respect, but for Health and Relationships, it's more about Acceptance. Now that I think about it, that makes a lot more sense.

I do remember when I was thin, there were some people that were always watching me to mess up in other aspects of my life (romance, work, etc.) and then would be very harsh with me. I hated that. I felt very unworthy of the accolades, but really hating their antagonism. I also hated unwanted attention from men. If I wanted it, I liked it. But gross old men or someone's boyfriend, I hated. I had almost forgotten that. It's not that I thought everyone hated me or wanted me. It was really just the mean girls and the guys I didn't like. They're the ones who scared me the most.

She also taught us to look at our behaviors and assess which type of emotions (Avoiding, Denying, Sabotage, Defending or the good one, Embracing) you are using in those behaviors. So here goes. . .

Eating the wrong foods when I know they are wrong: Avoiding or Denying, meaning that I am not believing that I am deserving or worth making the right choice—too expensive—or waiting to diet tomororw.

Not exercising: Avoiding or Denying.

Not writing down what I eat: Avoiding or denying.

Hmm. I have to get a little deeper, but I think Avoiding is the real emotional behavior here. I do it too when it comes to balancing my checkbook. If I don't balance it, then I won't know that I don't have any money (what do you mean I don't have any money, I have plenty of checks!)

Ok, so I am avoiding dealing with food and exercise because in part I want to pretend it's not a problem and also because then I don't have to put myself first, which is scary. Those who know me may not think so, because I can be very outspoken, but I have felt a little panicky when I start losing weight, even though I often feel good.

Well, to deal with this today, I'm going to print out my food journal and write down the two eggs, blackberries and grapes and English muffin (woops on the E.m.) I had for breakfast. Then go to the fridge and plan what we will eat today. It's rainy outside, so I won't be walking (it's also windy and really kind of dark). But I will go do 100 situps and at least 5 pushups. Wait, I'll do it all before I sign off.

Ok food journal is printed. For snack I'm having gelatin in fruit juice. For lunch I'm having leftover cold baked chicken with sugar snap peas. For afternoon snack I'm having some cottage cheese with strawberries and for dinner I'm having leftover ribs with green beans.

Now for the exercise: Oh my gosh! Those crunches were harder than I thought. But I did about 103 and the pushups were ok. I did 5 (I probably could have done 8.)