A new day!

Ok, I finally married this October as a chubby woman. Although I loved my wedding and felt somewhat beautiful on my wedding day, I do wish I had been more comfortable with my figure (see attached photo and note the guns and mighty bosom). Having said that, I am more committed than ever to finding the skinny me inside the zaftig woman. Looking at photos of me around my 30th birthday, when I probably looked my best from the neck down, I know it's in me, I just have to find that trigger.

Listening to a Wayne Dyer CD recently helped me get to the point of really making this work. He said his daughter finally kicked drugs when she was tired of being that person and she no longer wanted to disappont God. I can't say there's a God equivalent in my equation, but I can say that I want to live the way I believe I'll be happiest, and that way isn't worrying about whether I look fat in clothes, feeling like I have to make excuses when I eat something fattening or cringing from someone's touch (even my husband's) if it's anywhere near my stomach. I can truly see myself being confident, thin and purposeful and look forward to that life.

Here's an example of what I'm tossing: last night my husband made pizza. He's known for his deliciously herbal crust, and the kids love it. It was Colin's 10th birthday and he requested it over going out for pizza, which is a clue as to how tasty Tim's pizza really is. Although I know I eat too much of it, I didn't make something else, or eat just a little of the pizza. I devoured plenty. And I also had a hunk of pecan pie with my fabulous whipped cream that also includes a bit of mascarpone, sugar and vanilla. It hit me then that I always eat as if it's my last meal. The constant threat of being on a diet  makes me want to eat more in case it is my last big meal.

So I've joined Weight Watchers, am trying to eat more seasonal/local foods (like before) but also really focusing on whether I'm hungry or not and whether what I'm eating is fueling me for my life and isn't just a quick emotional fix. That's right, I'm also an emotional eater. A little rejection from one of our kids or a friend can send me straight for Taco Hell. A nice, cheesy bean burrito is just what the doctor prescribed. But I'm going to find new ways to be emotional—I always know my horse makes me feel better.

I've also lost my former love of being active. I rarely ride my horse—partly because someone told me I was too big for him which isn't even true—and never go to the gym.

This week, however, that all changes. My sister, Lori, and I are entering into a secret pact—how secret is a pact posted on a blog, though?—to once again be thinner than our sister Heidi. Heidi's done a terrific job losing weight over the past two years or so and shaming us with her running, yoga-ing and whatnot. Our goal is to lose more. That way we'll all be thin and healthy (our sister Holly has always been thin).

My first task is to figure out a great meal for dinner that isn't chicken, vegetables and salad and that my steppies will also love. Perusing my only Weight Watchers cookbook has revealed a great option: Paella with Roasted Vegetables. It includes beets, tomatoes, zucchini, parsnip, red bell peppers, saffron, veggie broth, garlic, white rice, broccoli, cauliflower and peas. I think I'll some Italian turkey sausage and a few steamed mussels for protein and reduce the amount of rice in the dish. (3/4 cup instead of 1 cup dry.)

Wish me luck!