How to Support Your Fat Friend

One of my favorite aspects to writing a blog is helping others struggling with the same aggravating problem that I have. But, we need support from everyone in our lives—those hoping to lose weight and those who are already where they want to be.

Most of my friends are supportive in that they're happy to hand out the attaboys when deserved. Others will go out of their way to make sure the meals they serve when I visit fit with my current eating plan. Others just don't comment, thinking that if they don't comment, I won't know that they think I'm fat. And a few area always passing on tidbits from their eating plan that they believe I should take on, regardless of what my nutritionist says.

I have a hard time asking for help. I may subtly suggest something that would help. But, despite my cuff-up-side-the-head method of communicating on most issues, it's really hard for me to express how truly hard it is to address this issue. It's hard to explain the mixture of dread/hope one feels at starting a new eating plan.

Imagine you find a coffin with some sort of breathing tube. You realize that someone has been held in there for a while. You know you need to open it because they could still be alive and if you wait for help, they might not be. But you could also find a moldering dead body that would be really gross and hard to get out of your head. That's a bit graphic, but it's exactly how a dieter feels--especially one who has struggled with weight for a long time. You know you have to start now, or you might never get thin. But you're afraid of who you'll find when you start. A lazy person? A bitch? A failure? It's hard to say who you are when your weight isn't protecting you.

If you're really skinny and have always been very controlled about what you eat, you might think about how you would feel if you put down the low-fat mayo and had a steak with a baked potato, butter, sour cream and vegetables with butter. Or if you had to eat a fish filet sandwich from McDonalds. You would be afraid of what that might do to you.

I hope to be someone in the middle, who can have a little bit of naughty, as long as most of it is nice.

So here's how I think most of us dieters would like to be treated (ladies, hand this to your men as well)!

1. Don't raise your eyebrows at what the dieter is eating. That is not support, that is monitoring. For all you know, that person is eating well within their points. It's also co-dependent, meaning that you believe the other person can't do this without your input. Be interdependent. Offer to help by serving a meal that fits with their food plan and inviting them over.

2. Suggest an outing together that includes a physical activity you know the other person likes. Don't offer to go running if they don't run or couldn't possibly keep up with you. If all of my friends offered to go for a hike, a fast walk, a trip to the gym, canoeing, rollerblading, ice skating, downhill skiing, swimming or biking, I would always say "yes." If they offer to go running, biking a super-hilly route, cross-country skiing, walking in the cold rain, or spinning indoors on a bike, I'm going to say no. So know what your friend likes to do.

3. Only ask how they are doing once every other week or so. Don't ask when they are eating a brownie, etc. This only adds guilt. If they have a blog, read it instead of pointedly acting as if you haven't read it.

4. Don't listen to a friend joyfully revealing a hurdle they've overcome by reminding about another still to be tackled. That's called being a joykill. Don't rain on their parade!

5. When they do start losing weight, don't remind them of how much better they look now compared to their ugliness when they were fat. Believe it or not, that's not fun to hear either. Just tell them they look beautiful without adding the "finally" at the end.

6. Don't invite them over for ice cream, invite them out for all you can eat fish fry, or have "girlfriend" meetings at buffets. Fortunately, none of my girlfriends would do that, but I have heard a few fellow dieters complaining about such.

7. Don't ask how much weight they've lost. If they want to tell you, they will. And don't ask when it's clear the answer is "not much." '

8. And finally, for the men out there particularly, don't come sit on the couch next to your dieter eating a big old sundae or Girl Scout cookies, or a huge bowl of greasy popcorn without offering something within the dieter's scope of eating. That's just mean.

Basically, a big part of weight loss is feeling good. If your name isn't Jillian or Bob (or Tracie in my case), chances are pretty good that you are not going to be the one qualified to motivate them to lose weight. And if you watch the Biggest Loser, it's not done by telling them how bad they are, but pushing them in a positive way. By saying, you can do it.

I'm so lucky to have so many friends who support me, but lots of people out there face sabotage, etc. And sometimes its from those who don't even know they are doing it. Regardless, I'm going to do it this time, even if it takes me a year. I'm getting on track with what I'm supposed to eat and really learning to cut out what I'm not. Keeping wishing me luck!