Anger and Food

One of my friends—and you know who you are if you are reading this—eats ridiculously healthy. She makes everything from scratch and a preservative only crosses her lips if she doesn't know about it. She is a faithful exerciser and does really great resisting "bad" foods. But the hilarious bit is that she loves to cook for others and is a bit of a food pusher when it comes to fattening food. She'll often cook macaroni and cheese for her child, although she'd never eat it. And when I come over to her house,  she'll start offering to make me something, including whatever her family is eating such as waffles, fish fry, desserts, etc. It's enough to make me want to slip her fattening food and tell her it's Weight Watchers.

Last night we went to a mutual friend's house and she brought cheese fondue with bread! I only had three pieces, but it was well over my limit. Meanwhile, she ate vegetables, maybe two pieces of fondue and a small bite of everything else -- including my edamame, sugar snap peas and Newman's Ranch dressing and some brie and crackers. Normally, that would be enough to really make me steamed up. 

The truth, however, is that it's not all about me. She's just making food she thinks everyone will like and it gives her pleasure. There's no secret subversive plot to undermine my temporary resolve. I can see that my resentment of her thin-ness and her healthy lifestyle is really envy. I want what she has and when she doesn't play by the rules, I get angry. Then I eat. It's like this horrid cycle of eating my feelings—instead of being mad at myself for not having more discipline, I get mad at her, then I eat. Then I'm mad at myself for not having more discipline. What I resolve to do is allow myself a brief moment of anger -- really feel it by letting it get into my heart. Then get my "good" head back on and start feeling love. It's just food. Is it something I really like? And if it is, I'll have a bite and if it isn't, I won't.

There's so much anger around my life associated with food. First, I have had this hearing condition called hyperacusis that is really a drag. One aspect of it is this anger/frustration that's triggered by certain sounds. Not only does it hurt me, but for some reason it creates this chemical reaction that also makes you feel highly angry or irritated. Unfortunately, many of the noises are around eating: lip smacking, scraping a teeth on fork, clinking or scraping plates with metal or china, scraping metal with metal and, the supreme insult, eating with the mouth open and hearing the food swish about. Just thinking about them makes me frown and prickles run up my spine. But I also have developed this unconscious anger and resentment when people eat when I'm not hungry, invite me to eat when I'm not wanting food, eating foods that I shouldn't have, noticing what I'm eating and eating a little, tiny bit of food and then saying "I'm so full." Then there's the anger at myself when I overeat, the resentment when people comment on my weight, the resentment when people advise me as if it's all about just educating me on what to eat and what not to eat and the frustration at myself when I realize I ate without thinking.

I have to try to find a new place to live with myself when it comes to food and my attitude about food.