So, why am I overweight?

Ann kindly asked in a previous post about the events leading to my gaining weight, after a somewhat crabby anonymous poster suggested I enter therapy (it did make me laugh). So, why have I struggled with weight issues as an adult, you ask, and why is it difficult for me to lose weight?

Well, as it happens, I clearly remember my first awareness of my weight. I had always been a really skinny child. I wore the "slim" sized pants and was always one of the lightest girls. I never worried about what I ate, but I do remember a sense that I was clumsy. Still, I had no worries about weight at all. Then, one day in my sophomore year, my high school gym teacher called me into her office to give me a talk about my weight. She said that at my age, weight can become an issue. That she had noticed I had started to fill out and mature and I should now nip it in the bud and I should watch it. Now, I weighed a whopping 110 pounds and I was about 5'6" or so. I had just started to fill out and so my hips were widening and I hadn't quite grown into my shape. I had no boobs and yet I was shooting upward. I had a really awkward body that I wasn't comfortable with, but my worst problem was probably slouching as I had never been tall and all of a sudden, I was. Now, I will tell you that I heard years later that this teacher had landed in the hospital with anorexia and I do remember her being inordinately aware of her body and it's size (extremely thin). I can't tell you what that meant, but I just remember it. At any rate, I had never thought of myself as anything but thin until she spoke to me. I remember feeling really horrid about myself afterward and confused.

So, I started eating salads for lunch because that's what she had told me to eat. I sneaked around when eating cookies because I felt I shouldn't eat them and started drinking diet pop because it was diet. Unfortunately, I continued to grow. I was 5'10" by the end of high school and 130 pounds. I see myself in photos now and it's pretty apparent that I was awkward, but still thin. But my mind was so controlled by what this teacher had said. Right around that time, a friend of mine had an eating disorder and I picked up some of her bad habits. Over ten years, I struggled with the issue. At 30, I dumped it one day in sudden illumination. I didn't want that to be my life. It was gross and weird and that was it. Unfortunately, the struggle wasn't over with weight. Since then, I've gone up and down from 150 all the way up to 200. My weight is often a reflection of my life. Super stressful situations bring on weight loss and then, when I start to focus on everyone else, I gain weight. I think the most difficult thing for me is to stop obsessing about losing weight—which I think about even when I'm thin.

I've had good friends tell me that I "could get any guy I want if I just lost weight," as if my value was intrinsically tied to weight. I've had other loved ones tell me, "Lisa, you need to lose weight," as if I didn't know that (hello, I have a blog about it).

The truth is, in this country, people think they can say anything to you they want if you have to lose weight. It doesn't matter if you have a little or a lot. People think that tough love in that situation helps. It doesn't.

At the same time, I don't blame anyone for my weight issue, even that gym teacher. That was then. What I know now is that it's up to me. I know there's some block to me just doing it, like Nike says. But that's the story for everyone who has to lose weight and isn't "just doing it." There's a block. And, personally, I don't feel that talking about it is going to help. I've done that for years. Now I'm trying something new. Every day, I'm trying to take a step (or 10 if I can) toward being thin. And feeling thin.

Today I rode my horse, and I was out of breath for most of it. Today, I also ate an oatmeal cookie for lunch because I really, really wanted one for several days and the craving didn't go away. But I didn't also have an egg salad sandwich and a bag of chips. I just had a cookie. And I savored it. And yesterday I walked a long way with my husband and stepson and my dog, Jack. I am taking a lot of great steps. I've lost some weight and I'm going to lose more. And hopefully, some people will read my blog and find help and support for themselves as well.

I think losing weight in this country is hard. So I'm hoping that by having a place to read about what thin people do (instead of what fat people shouldn't do, for once), people will hear a more positive message.

So, that's my weight story for what it's worth. But personally, I'm sick of it. Now, I really want to just envision a thin Lisa who takes time for herself while also making time for the people she loves. Balance and thinness. Who doesn't want that?