Whenever I'm watching a reality television show, my fiance Tim sighs. I think he thinks I'm wasting my time (and he's not when he watches sports or fishing shows). But since I'm fairly productive the rest of the time, I feel like my frivolous tv habits are OK! My two shows of choice—The Bachelor and The Biggest Loser. And this week, I'm feeling particularly justified because I've finally figured out what's keeping me from succeeding in both my career and my diet. It's not about visualizing, being positive or finding the perfect diet, although that can help.
It's about having the perfect attitude about self.
I'll elaborate in a moment, but first: the background. On The Bachelor this week, my favorite bachelorette, Stephanie, was eliminated. Now, I like Jillian, but I was gunning for Stephanie. At 34, she seems to have it all figured out. And when she was eliminated, she didn't blubber and wonder if she was "enough" for Jason. She didn't promise that he would rue the day. She just said, "it wasn't right and I'll be fine." She knows she's enough and she acts that way every day, calmly and with dignity. Jason said everyone there was better off for knowing her, and I quite agree. She's a class act with an attitude I would hope to emulate.
Then, there's Joelle on The Biggest Loser last night. She's completely clueless and, although she can talk a good game, her behavior doesn't match her words. As I watched the show last night, she was so busy blaming everything and everyone else for her failure, she couldn't come up with one reason why she didn't lose any weight that week. She did come up with an elaborate excuse—she really upped her 'intensity' this week, but it didn't result in weight loss. Ha! All she did was frantically scramble for more words instead of matching her alleged goal with action.
That's the key to everything. Getting into action. What I've done in the past two years is contemplated having a better attitude—and succeeding in part. But I'm still failing to feel that I'm enough. I seem always to be waiting to be found out as a fraud. One person tells me they love my writing, and I'm already looking to see who will validate me next. But I haven't been busting my hump getting out there actively looking for writing or editing work. Everything kind of fell in my lap, but it wasn't really enough or what I want to do. And as for the diet? Well, I pictured myself being thin, without doing the work to get me there by being meticulous about my eating and exercise. Ann S. once told me that this is a "guerrilla war" and I agreed, but it didn't really click until last night. I saw myself in Joelle, and it didn't feel good.
Last night, I had a great meal -- sweet potatoes roasted in the oven, steamed zucchini with a pinch of low-fat mozzarella cheese and a nice piece of lean steak (before anyone says anything about the cheese, my nutritionist told me to add a little to my vegetable and I've been told before I don't get enough good fat in my diet). I didn't have too much food and tried to eat more slowly than usual. But I still didn't get up and exercise yesterday. Granted, it was freezing cold, but Tim got out there. Why don't I? Because I always have an excuse. I love being cozy, I love being pampered, and I love being warm—but not sweaty. But now I'm committed to earning those pamperings with a 1/2-hour of exercise first.
However, I'm not going to beat myself up. It was a lesson I had to learn and perhaps over the past two years, I've needed to put on a layer of defensive fat. But it's now time to remove it.
I'm pretty excited. I sent out three resumes for jobs today that I know I'd be great at and that I'd really like—one seems to be the perfect fit. I ate a very healthy breakfast of oatmeal with blueberries, juice and coffee. Once it warms up to above zero, I'm going to get outside and even ride my horse. I'm going through my paperwork this afternoon and get it straightened out (and throw out all of the bride stuff I've accumulated over the past year that I'll never use).
I'm not going to make any other promises, but I have to say, I feel great! It's like finding something you lost a long time ago and thought you'd never see again. Yay! Hmmm. This blog really is helping me!
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Lisa, I am finding you to be really inspirational. I love to read how you are working through all of this. And yes, didn't Joelle and Stephanie show two drastically different ways of living life??? (and I loved Jillian's little rant about 'gaining muscle' or 'losing inches'...when the scale doesn't move) It's so true how easily we make excuses and tell ourselves these stories to avoid getting down to the real, gritty, painful, vulnerable work of self-improvement. Weight loss or otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you're starting to realize that you are not your body. Your soul and your spirit are all you need. You can fight, and fight HARD, against your extra body fat, but all the while continue to love your *self*. The war is never against Lisa. And it's because you love yourself so much that you are willing to launch this attack against your weight or anything else that holds you back in life.
I think weight loss can go against our natural instincts - we feel we should be creating, not destroying. Constructing, not tearing down. But what you eventually realize is that by getting rid of the extra weight, you ARE creating. A stronger body! More energy! A longer life! And much more.
Thanks Ann! You are one of my inspirations, so that I might inspire you is wonderful! Tonight, I put my plan into action. Tim and I went on a huge hike up in the hills with our dogs and watched a glorious sunset. At one point, we were on top of the hill (it's supposed to be one of the highest in the county) and there was a ring of pink on the horizon all around us. Gorgeous. What a reward for a really tough hike up and down big hills! At one point we stopped walking and listened, and it was so silent. All we could hear was wind. So cool. Right now I'm making three beets from Whole Foods that I'll saute with ginger, some lean pork tenderloin and onions and a bit of broccoli. Yum!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely not my body, but I so want to feel good, and I do feel good tonight. Not only do I feel good within my body, but I feel good about my day.
I love to cook, and one thing I have to come to terms with is that creating food to feed people that has bad fat is not love! So tonight I'm feeling good about looking up some new recipes and feeding my honey and myself with fuel. That is creating! Thanks for the good thoughts!
I wanted to say that I haven't even read your whole story yet, but had to write that I felt like I was the Joelle. I woke up this morning thinking I was going to call or email you and say that I am not trying hard enough. I will read your story later (after playgroup), but we should talk on the phone soon to hear each other's voices.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, my little secret is that I LOVE the Bachelor too! I usually don't tell anyone that I will make sure the kids are in bed to get to see this show. I love the challenge of trying to figure out who he will pick.
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